Do not visit Madeira!
Madeira Island is in my opinion one of the most awful places to go on holidays. Who wants to go to a beautiful island with a gorgeous nature environment situated in the Atlantic Ocean? I have heard many visitors of Madeira saying that it is a great holiday destination … and this is unfortunately true. Madeira has majestic mountains, a wonderful climate, and beautiful views … all in one, for goodness sake! Now lets be honest … do you really want to go to such a place?? Come on! Who does that?
Can you believe that there are travelers who prefer to go to Madeira instead of going to the Dominican Republic or the Caribbean? And why? …. because Madeira has breathtakingly views? Well I got news for you … these views are just what they are … breathtaking! They are too beautiful! I do not believe anyone would want to experience that? Do you?
A few years ago I thought the lack of sand beaches here on Madeira was a good thing …. but then I saw the neighbouring island of Porto Santo … and unfortunately …. it has more than a 8 km long sandy golden beach. Aaarrggh!! The horror!! A paradise-like island with a tropical waterfront that is washed by warm, crystalline ocean-waters. Blehh! Such a place is only for those who wants to refuge to a quiet location for a nauseous relaxing holiday.
But hey … there is still more! Are you sure you want to continue reading this? If you do … then it is at your own risk!
One of the things I do not understand is … why the Madeira Islands are such a popular tourist destination?
The number of cruise-ships that comes to port of Funchal, the capital of Madeira, … has increased the last few years. These ships are on their way to the Caribbean and the Mediterranean …. but why, for heaven sake, do they stop at Madeira?
And why do all these travelers bother to visit city of Funchal? They go to that awful colorful market called Mercado do Lavradores … and they are even crazy to take a ride on the abhorrent toboggan. And those smiles on their faces …. I just do not understand why they are enjoying. Have these people not seen enough of the picturesque amphitheater city?
The most annoying part is that the island has loads of natural beauties …. and it is not possible to see it all in one day … not even in one week!
The island is not very large (thank goodness!) …. it is 36 miles (58 km) long and 15 miles (23 km) wide, … but because it is so mountainous, with deeply gouged cliffs and lush, steep valleys … it makes traveling on the island slow and therefore you get the impression that you are on a very large island. I can not imagine anyone who wants to spend time watching the green back country and precipitous valleys all day long. Plus when you drive through the island … that each area has a different scenery.
And another thing …. the so called ‘Levadas‘. Gosh! … what a mistake is that! Who’s idea was it to build these things? Most of the island visitors and even the locals are doing hiking trips using the footpaths of the levadas to explore the island. There are hundreds of miles of walking trails along these levadas. An infrastructure of veins that goes through that obnoxious Laurisilva forest and other horrible sub-tropical regions of the island.
Because Madeira lies on the Gulf Stream, it unfortunately has a very mild climate. Both the water and air temperature averages between 16-23 degrees Centigrade (60 to 73 degrees Fahrenheit) all year-round. So be warned …. here you will miss here the wonderful cold and bad weather … that we all love. The sunny weather here is one of the greatest disadvantages this island has. That is why they call it the ‘Islands of Eternal Spring‘? Bah! Humbug! Do you really want that kind of weather? Don’t think so.
And another thing … these stupid micro climates! Due to the mountain infrastructure, the temperature can vary significantly from one side of the island to the other. Funchal and the rest of the southern coast are usually warmer and sunnier than the northern side of Madeira. I believe Mother Nature got somewhat confused here.
This causes that each season has it variety of flowers and fruits. Bah, these are the f-words I do not like to hear. Bananas …. are in season all year-round (talking about going bananas!) … grapes are harvested from August through October (for what? and why all those grapes?).
And these locals …. the Madeirans … all very helpful and friendly. With their repulsive feasts and events .. almost on each month of the year. Plus … who wants to live on a place that has a very low crime? The newspapers here are not filled with bad news. Instead other issues such as island events get more prominence than bad news. Can you believe that?
Therefore I do not recommend you to visit Madeira. No … stay away from it! You will be disappointed … with all its amazing green mountains, … perfect weather, and beautiful flora. Not worth it.
Instead I will sacrifice myself and stay here on Madeira …. I will bite the bullet for you … someone has to suffer! 
well done, very well done.
I’m afraid it has not worked we are still going!
if you came to this awfull island please dont came to my awfull restaurant wich is called pizza golden that is located in canico just in front of quinta spendida hotel wich is a very bad hotel as well.we usually give a very bad 5 star service especially to english people,wich are our worst clients,that they rarely came back(on the same day),but some do!
we do very bad pizzas and more than 70 diferent dishes,including pastas,meat salads and awfull deserts.So dont bother coming…lol….
@Nuno: thanks for the warning! if you have a 5 star service …. poor you! It must be awful to have such quality. Nobody wants that …. good food. It is better you don’t invite us to your restaurant otherwise we would give you a horrible review of your restaurant.
I have many reasons why I keep on going back to Madeira. You most certainly have a problem with everything on the Island. I only experience the best service wherever I go around the Island. In fact we thinking of going there for good. I really like everything on the Island. The wheather, the low crime, the shopping centres, the narrow streets, the reataurants, the “Levadas” the all year around events (I’ve been to almost all of them and how awesome was it. The best is new years eve, it bring tears to me every time. Please if you have a problem with Madeira waste your money on something else, but don’t waste it on a island that is visited by hundred of thousands of people. I’m going there soon again (hopefully for good) and I hope I don’t ever read such crab again on this site. I’m sure you waste your time that’s why people don’t even waste there time to leave a comment.
My Dearest Hettie,
I really do not understand the reason for you coming to Madeira. Why? why?
The fact that it is one of the few places in the world where you will find harmony between all the elements of nature …. and its relaxing culture … is that a reason to come here?
That Madeira offers a better quality of life …. do you find that to be a reason to move to here? I can not comprehend.
Please be warned … do not come to Madeira. Do not visit it. Stay away! or you will regret it for sure. We are living here more than 4 years … and we still regret each day … that we decided to continue to regret many years more and stay here … as long as we can regret.
This is the truth … as true as you believing every (negative) word mentioned on this persiflage.
It’s such a pleasure to know you hate Madeira so much!!!
Just keep on regretting your decision to stay here.
I hate it so much …. that I have decided to live here forever
That’s awful!!!
I am counting the days until I arrive. No matter rain or shine. I am certain that it will b very pleasant.
This is hilarious… very well though
I’m from Madeira and always trying to thing the best way to the describe this place and you certainly made it perfectly. Well done
Keep me posted please, there’s lots more curious tourists searching for the best description of the island… and definitely it’s time they found out the “ugly true”
xxx
Suzyesue
What a patetic sod like you is doing in Madeira have you been invited or force to be there at all ,sadly you made a decision to be there Madeira dosent need
you ,so I sugest you get out and let o
thers make a decision.
It only proves how patetic you are.
There is only another awfull thing you haven´t mentioned. It´s a drink called “Poncha”, to bad to dare a sip. can you imagine honey and rum with a dash of lemon juice together??????
Its so terrible that once you taste it you cant stop drink it!!!!!!
What a fun article – we live here – no further comment is needed!!
You have now made it a must on my list. We thinking of going for 2 weeks over Xmas. Still looking and not sure where to go.
But I am sure where ever we go it will be brilliant. Love sea food.
Take care
Patricia
Going for a week in October, what should I not bring?
We’re thinking of keeping our distance from this terrible sounding island. We especially don’t want to find a hotel near the ocean or near shops and we would hate for you to mention the most awful suburb to look for an inexpensive place to stay because we just wouldn’t be interested!
Unfortunately I am coming back for the umpteenth time to Madeira and I just know it is going to be an horrific experience. The colour everywhere from those blasted flowers and shrubs, the boats bobbing on the azure sea in the harbour all hurt my eyes. How much better for the senses to live in grey streets and teeming rain. The staff in hotels, shops and cafes engage in conservation. How very rude and disconcerting. To have mountain scenery, levadas , laurissilva forests, cosmopolitan city and wonderful beaches (yes) and coastland just smacks of the greediness of these local inhabitants. Yes I will keep coming back to this hell hole as after all someones gotta rain on your parade. Can’t wAit Madeira.
MADEIRA IS FANTASTIC.
THE PERFECT PARADISE !
This is great! It’s a shame some people don’t understand what you’re saying and write silly comments…
I am a Madeiran emmigrant who always looks forward to go back every year.
I obviously hate it so much so I only go back once a year. Can’t stand the horrible warm weather either
Living in Jersey I love 
the cold weather and the rain.
Of course when I go back I have to endure drinking a few “Ponchas”! Somebody has to make sacrifices and I figure it might as well be me. Of course I also need to eat the traditional horrible food and cakes
When I go back at Christmas it is even worse! All the family gatherings where you have the homemade liqueurs and puddings!
Roll on Christmas!!
this is 100% outragus. I go on google to find out info on Madeira for my son, and come across this website. My fist thoughts are well what harm can it do to visit this website and see their reasons. I click on here and see that you are clearly an idiot! I mean what kind of persons would not like natural beaches, lovly seanery, hardly any crime…ect????? I mean the whole reson why we do have police on our streets is to get rid of crime and clearly the police in madeira are doing an great job at doing so. Also, I do understand that not everyone can like the same thing but when you see all beautiful stuff and then say who would want that, then you are clearly a person who does not love anything. I have been going to Madeira every year with my family for at least the last 10 years and I will still continue as your stupid comments on one of the best islands in the world, just make me want to visit the island even more. Also, from reading some of your comments, it is clear that you are a very stuid and un-educated person. E.g: you said that the south of the island has better island than the noth of the island. Well of course the south will the warmer and sunnier than the north as the south is closer to the equator than the north. I mean it is like the mediterranian it much warmer than england as the mediterranian it much more closer to the equator. And another thing if you want and sunny holiday in the summer then of course you would go to a place such as Madeira as it is a sunny and warm place, I mean if you wanted a sunny holiday, then you would not go to a space such as the alps (unless you wanted a winter sports holiday). You also said that you are in Madeira now so, if you hate it so much then why don’t you move to the mediterranian or the caribian, as there are ships and there air flights from madeira that can take you there. so if I was you I would grow up and stop being so silly and trying to rewin peoples holidays. It is so tempting to take this to court.
It amazes me that there are a few people who really are taking it very literally what is written here … and see only the negative words …. and do not read the ‘real’ message that is written in this post (and even is displayed in bold). These people do not know what is satire and what is parody. And … they have not read the other 99% of the other posts about Madeira on this blog. Think first before judging … and in case of doubt, … ask first before making any conclusions.
JP, Where are you coming from? You must be a little slow, not to understand this piece. Can you not see that it is written just to show us all just how wonderful Madeira is? I have just flown back today after my first time there. It of course is a brilliant place. Many thanks Editor. And JP, get real!!!
Dear Hettie, M.Alves and JP.
Don’t you understand IRONY. Even call it sarcasm – or ‘tongue in cheek’ humour. It’s not your fault – obviously English is not your mother tongue so you are taking the ‘negative comments’ seriously. Read it again and grab the positive comments from ‘underneath’ the text. It’s all a JOKE. They all love Madeira – and so do I after my first visit recently of just one week, which was 51 weeks too short this year!
I also don’t wish to tell anyone how great the Hotel Porto Santa Maria was – it is already always booked up – I don’t want to make it more difficult to return there – so I won’t say it’s great. Got it now?
I have just booked a week in Madeira in June for my 50th birthday. The only thing I’m a bit worried about is we are staying in Santa Cruz which is right near airport so hoping it wont be to noisy.
Anyway I thought this article was fantastic and after reading it am now wishing I’d booked longer. I can not understand how anyone can read this with out seeing what the Editor was trying to say.
All I can say is well done.
Lori